Real World, Real Problems

This post really has no purpose other than to feel sorry for myself and rant a bit, so just hear me out. haha

When I met Henry I had a whole different life planned out for myself. They always say though, "Life happens when you're making plans". That sure did happen with me! I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world, but it definitely has not turned out one bit the way I envisioned. 

I ended up leaving my entire family in Houston to move to Henry's hometown near Fort Worth. I opted out of pursuing my ideal career to get married and take a month long honeymoon. Such a terrible trade, right? haha. Now yes my alternate plans included becoming a successful business woman. Instead I have become a wife, a soon-to-be mom, and world traveler. haha. I have done things with Henry I didn't really prioritize doing in my "ideal" previous life. We have travelled to Colorado numerous times (love it there!), Vegas numerous times, Tennessee, Michigan, Greece, Italy, England, USVI, then countless roadtrips. I can't say I have much to complain about. 

I ended up giving up my amazing job to work in the "family" business as Henry's Finance Manager. The ironic part of this, I use to help Space Center Houston/NASA in their finance department. I remember them asking me on numerous occasions to switch my Biology major to a Finance major so I could work for them after graduation. I always told them no, that I didn't see myself doing finance for the rest of my life....and here I am....doing finance. HA! 

With a baby on the way it has even made finance work for the company difficult, especially with an office assistant that recently has become extremely unreliable on her ability to show up on time or stay an entire day, or get anything done without an error. We have about 3 weeks until Coraline is due and we have been kind of rushing around figuring out what we are going to do to ensure I don't have to tote a newborn back and forth to that dusty, dirty, hazardous construction office. Most pregnant women around this time are getting ready to take their maternity leave. You don't get maternity leave when you own your own business. 

Either way we are making due and have had a few wonderful people help us figure out remote log ins and various things to help out. But like I said before, I don't see myself doing finance for the rest of my life either. I don't mind help managing the office from a distance to ensure no one is stealing from us (happened with the last two secretaries) and that things run smoothly. No one cares about your business more than you. I also didn't ever picture myself being a stay at home mom. However, with Henry inconsistently working in town, I do not want a stranger raising our kids either. 

I mentioned to Henry a local business that was hiring part-time. This is a company I adore and love going in their shop to browse. I mentioned the possibility of me working for them part-time after Coraline is born. It would be such a fun job, doing something I love, giving me some "me time", and allowing me to make a little of my own on the side to do with what I want. Henry's sister even volunteered to babysit Coraline for me so I could go off and enjoy the part-time job without worrying about a stranger watching our baby. I mean I have given up A LOT to go with Henry's plans and dreams, so I figured he would be supportive of this one little tiny "me" request. When he laughed at me and said no I couldn't do it, that was a hobby and not a job, I about had a pregnancy meltdown on a whole different level. Instead I took a deep breath, bit my tongue and dropped the whole conversation. Hell, I will do it regardless of his support or not. He is rarely in town anyway. It wasn't worth the fight, but it was heartbreaking that he dismissed it just because it didn't sound interesting to him.

I can honestly say I feel extremely trapped and limited in this small town. I am not use to the lack of amenities Houston had to offer. I love the connections that come with a small town, but sometimes I feel like I can't breath living here. 

I absolutely can't wait until Coraline is born because it will give me a legitimate excuse to go into the "city" haha. I look forward to ballet recitals or volleyball tournaments or track meets - doing fund-raisers, bake sales, etc. I look forward to being that pro-active mom that helps her daughter out wherever she will allow me without being smothering (I mean I will try not to smother her). I know I will always continue to help Henry out in the company as much as possible, I just don't trust anyone else to handle the finances and accounts. People see these large checks come in and see dollar signs and their own problems. They don't see the bills, invoices and payroll that those checks have to go toward. I don't mind telling people no and being the bad person for Henry, but other people won't care. So to have a small part-time job aside from helping Henry's company and raising kids would be amazing to me. It would make me feel like I truly had something for ME.

 I would finally be doing something for me, myself and no one else. 

I just wish Henry would be more supportive. :-/ Hopefully he will come around.

Stubborn Baby!

Coraline is being one stubborn pain in my side. Literally. 

We had contemplated for a while waiting to pick a name - torn mostly between Claire and Coraline. Claire meant, "Clear, bright" and Coraline meant, "Precious growth of the sea: Coral". When browsing www.sheknows.com and their baby name meanings we stumbled upon these Expression and SoulUrge meanings. Claire's was, "SoulUrge Number: 6

People with this name have a deep inner desire for a stable, loving family or community, and a need to work with others and to be appreciated.

Expression Number: 3

People with this name tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. They are drawn to the arts, and often enjoy life immensely. They are often the center of attention, and enjoy careers that put them in the limelight. They tend to become involved in many different activities, and are sometimes reckless with both their energies and with money."

 Coraline's said, "SoulUrge Number: 3

People with this name have a deep inner desire to create and express themselves, often in public speaking, acting, writing or singing. They also yearn to have beauty around them in their home and work environment.

Expression Number: 5

People with this name are excited by change, adventure, and excitement. They are dynamic, visionary and versatile, able to make constructive use of freedom. They fight being restricted by rules and conventions. They tend to be optimistic, energetic, intelligent, and to make friends easily. They may be changeable, restless, untidy, and rebellious."

So we agreed, we will wait until she is born and see if she looks like she is meant to be in "in the spotlight" or an "adventurous trouble-maker".

Well, Henry ended up picking the name Coraline a week later. There were so many reasons we fell in love with this name! Hearing Henry talk to her and calling her Cora-Lou just makes my heart melt. I mean seriously, here we are, two southern people with a soon-to-be baby girl named Coraline (Cora-Lou) Faye Johnson. You can't get much more southern than that! Henry's deep southern accent just makes it sound even better! I am talking Josh Turner-deep-voice. Yea Buddy! 

Ever since we started calling her Cora-Lou - she has been a stubborn pain in my side! All day long she chills, doesn't really move at all. At night when I lay down it's tap dances all around! "Oh you want to go to sleep? Well I slept rocking along in my cocoon all day as you worked your butt off, now I want to play! On. Your. Bladder. TEE HEE" 

Then there is, "Oh, I am two weeks ahead of the growth schedule? I am a big baby? I want to be transverse. Let me press right up against this artery and make you throw up and black out. Now let me switch my head to the other side and make it feel like I am trying to bust through you abdominal muscles." *Giggle, Giggle*

The ER doctor (yes emergency room) even moved her into the correct position and about 2 minutes later, "Just kidding! I am going back to being transverse." LOL The ER doctor wasn't fully trained except during his brief rotation with the OB/GYN on rotating the fetus, so now I have to wait until Monday when I see my OB/GYN to have her re-positioned, hopefully in a way that is more permanent than a few minutes. Dear God please let it be more than a few minutes!!!

I love this Little Lady more than anything, and understand the pain comes with the territory. I am just hoping she is getting most of this out of her system while she is baking to perfection, then will be a sweet little angel until she is 12. :-D

A girl can dream right?

What's Going On In The Johnson Household

So normally on Wednesdays I post the pregnancy chalkboard tracker from the week before. Well, this week would have been week 20, but that was posted early. For obvious reasons. {If you missed it click here.} Things have been pretty hectic around here. The hubby was gone for business/bachelor party/business for the last two weeks and let's just say, although he travels a lot, I never get use to him being gone. That always puts emotional stress on me. Not to mention I have been driving around like crazy. Not so great for being preggers. We had a huge thing here called Antique Alley that I sat our for two days doing. This acquired a LOVELY sunburn on the left side of my face. It was so cold and windy, who thinks to put on sunscreen when your wearing a wind-breaker and a blanket? Not this girl. Then I have begun "nesting".

The hubby being gone has made me a crazy woman to say the least - yea, yea, pregnancy hormones don't help. Between working at the office, taking care of the 3 dogs, dealing with lovely Baby Girl's growing movements, cleaning the house, prepping for Antique Alley, and driving all around the state of Texas - I was physically drained too. I had to drive to Sulphur Springs for a Bid Opening, San Antonio where the Hubby was working, College Station to bring the hubby clean clothes for the week, and Arlington for something I am sure wasn't all that important, but I drove there none the less. 

The sunburn from Antique Alley couldn't have been any better placed. It was ALL down the left side of my face, and it was BAD. Why did it have such perfect placing though? Well, I am at that stage where I can really only sleep on my left side - get it? Laying down at night consisted of much discomfort from Baby Girl refusing to ever stop moving and my face feeling like it had the worst rug burn of my life with a heating pad on it. Not to mention the sun drained me of any energy I had left from all the driving. Ugh!

Top it off with Baby Girl deciding she wanted to be transverse while simultaneously trying to kangaroo kick her way through my sides WHILE trying to get through a training session that ended in me blacking out and throwing up. Attractive. Good lord I thought I was going to die the other night. I was a literal wreck! An absolute disaster. After much research I found that babies while in the womb will move their head toward the warmest spot. A nurse friend suggested putting ice packs on either side and then something warm near your pelvic bone to help guide the baby's head downward. Ice packs were not going anywhere near my abdomen, so I decided to fill the bathtub with really warm water a few inches below my belly button. I sat in there for a bit and sure enough I felt the pressure from my sides and the sharp, fiery sensation that came with it disappear! Thank you Jesus! 

With all the pain finally gone I began cleaning like a mad woman. Also known as "nesting". I was able to clear out most of our garage that was piled high with cardboard boxes, fill up 4 giant black trashbags from all the rooms in our house, and get the nursery organized for the crib to be delivered and the walls to be painted.  

Sounds exhausting doesn't it? 

To Be Or Not To Be....That Is A Very Good Question.

Please be mindful of any comments you decide to leave, it took a lot to post this and open up.

The random quotes are quotes I have found and love. All can be found here: Pinterest: Words of Wisdom

As most of you know, I am pregnant! Henry and I are learned we are expecting our first child just a few short months following our wedding we planned for 2 1/2 years.

During our wedding planning process I learned a lot about myself, Henry, our personal styles and who in our life was really willing to go the extra mile, and who just wanted to be present when there was a crowd to save-face. 

I had friends and family willing to do whatever they could whether they lived down the street or hours away. People driving hours to be there for me just for a day, people skyping with me to see what they could do to help and people doing something as simple as texting me and asking if I was ok. Wedding planning was stressful people! LOL I definitely learned, no matter how much time you have, something will go wrong. It's inevitable. You just have to grit your teeth and laugh it off. 

Then there were other friends and family members that claimed they would do this or that, wanted to help this way or that way, but when it came down to it, they were no where to be found. BUT the day of the wedding they were there showing their pearly whites and acting like they had been there for me the entire process. 

Now that I am pregnant I find some of the same people, doing the same thing. 

To be or not to be a part of my life, that is the question. 

How many chances do you give someone?

 How long do you go on pretending you don't care? 

How long do you pretend their snide comments don't bother you?

How long do you allow them to pretend to the world they are your best "friend" and would do anything for you, when in fact behind closed doors they do nothing?

Going to college was a real eye-opener for me. I got to meet a lot of new people, and see how other people lived their lives. How different relationships functioned. I learned that some of the relationships I had thought were normal, were actually extremely dysfunctional, such as my boyfriend of 5 years at the time. Holy Guacamole was that the most dysfunctional relationship ever, but before going to college, I thought it was the bees-knees. Sad really.

Talking with my amazing sister-in-law today at lunch made me realize a lot. I love her much like my own little sister because both ladies are real. They don't pretend to be someone they are not. They are honest, truthful even when the truth hurts, real, smart, funny, dependable and so much more than a girl could dream of asking for from two women. I know I can talk to either girl, tell them the truth, even when it may be negative towards them and they listen with open ears and hearts. I don't ever have to feel like I am walking on glass when talking to them and same for them with me. The only other girls in my life that are this way would be my best friends Danni, Taylor and Riki. Another great thing about all these ladies and we all know, you don't say something behind someones back if you would be ashamed if they found out, or wouldn't say it to their face. It's a way a lot of women should be, but sadly in our society a lot of women gossip and honestly don't know how to be REAL.

I realized I am exerting a lot of wonderful energy on things that don't deserve energy at all. I am pregnant for petes sake and could be using all this productive energy on the future nursery, shopping, scrapbooking, re-organzing my craft room, taking day trips, surprising the Hubby with a new garage work-station, and oh, did I mention shopping? I am GREAT at shopping. HA! 

There are always going to be people in your life who love you and tolerate you through good and bad. 

Kind of like wedding vows. 

People who not only expect respect, but give it to.

No one is perfect.

People fuck up. Pardon my french.

At the end of the day it is up to you who you allow in your life. 

You choose who to give your time and energy too.

No one can force you to do anything you truly don't want to do.

"Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strong relationship." Margaret Mead

Apologies

So my family has been in a sort of awkward stage I guess you could say, ever since we announced Baby J was going to be joining us.

Henry's family has been phenomenal during this whole thing and supportive beyond imagination. Their joy makes my heart smile.

My family though, is another story.

My whole family is technically excited, except my Dad. Up until the announcement my Dad made comment after comment how he was to "too young to be a grandpa" and how we needed "to wait to have kids" if anyone mentioned Henry and I having kids. Not in a joking manner either. 

Now I am 25 years old, I'm not a teenager. I have graduated college, my hubby and I have lived in a lovely home we bought over 2 years ago, and my husband has a successful business that provides us with a life most 25 year olds do not have the luxury of living. We are truly blessed.

My dad was 21 when he had me, so yes he is young, but I am not. Well, yes I am young, but my eggs are getting old. Lol Get it?

When we announced to our close relatives on Christmas Eve that we were having a baby there was a lot of excitement and tears of joy. Except my Dad. My aunt posted a picture of my Mom, Dad and Sister sitting with their shirts and my Dad looked as if he was ready to slit someone's throat. I text her to ask her to remove the photos because looking at them just made me boil with anger over what should have been a joyous occasion. Given we had an ugly fight weeks before the announcement and hadn't spoken since, but he was fighting with EVERYONE in my family, not just me. I guess it was his "period". I figured the announcement would have been a way to break the ice and move forward, but he chose to continue the bitterness and inflame the situation.

Later that evening we went to my parents house to open gifts, my Dad refused to come upstairs and open gifts with us. He actually started screaming and yelling at my Mom downstairs when she kept asking him to come join us. Finally, she gave up and came upstairs to join us alone as we heard my parents bedroom door slam shut.

I tried so hard to fight back tears of disappointment. I mean really!?!? This isn't about you! This is about us! Could he not FAKE a smile?? I guess I should've known that he was too selfish to think of anyone other than himself and his vanity.

Growing up both my parents have always demanded we apologize for anything and everything, even when I truly felt they were the ones who should've done the apologizing (my mom would apologize, but my Dad has never ONCE apologized). But it was always "You need to say sorry or else." "You need to be the bigger person and apologize." "You better apologize or we won't pay for you to go back to college." "You better apologize or have a nice life." And the list goes on with numerous texts and e-mails I still have as proof. But now that it's his turn to apologize do I get one? Nope.

My Mom has tried unsuccessfully justifying his reaction with things such as, "He would've preferred if you would've told him in private and not in front of others."Ok one, I don't care what he preferred. It was our news to share the way we wished. There were only two other aunts, two other uncles, 2 foster kids and 4 cousins present. All are very close family members. Plus, I live 5 hours away and wanted a way to include everyone. It's not like it was a huge party. But even then, what's his reasoning for being such a jerk after we got home and not even wishing us a safe trip home???

Needless to say, I am tired of always being the bigger person. I am tired of certain family members talking crap about him then having the audacity to tell me to get over this.  I've always HAD to apologize. No matter what. Now it's my turn to demand an apology, and rightfully so. That is a moment he can never take back or re-do. I'm tired of him walking all over everyone and treating them how he chooses with no consequences, but now that he has nothing to hold over my head "it's my way or the highway". 

Alana XoXo